I thought I was done with the tests – but it turns out there was one more to go. After my trauma with the cardiac mri, I naively thought nothing would ever be as bad again. I was very wrong. A lung biopsy is done while you are awake. In the literature given out beforehand it stated that your throat was numbed with something tasting like bitter bananas. I love bananas so I thought how bad can this be? I don’t know if the writer of the leaflet had ever actually eaten a banana, but my guess would be not. It is difficult to portray how utterly disgusting the spray was, but it gets worse as the spray is used to numb your throat and take away your ability to swallow. After which a device is put down into your lung to remove some areas of tissue for the biopsy. I had a panic attack on the table and hit both the Doctor and the nurse in my terror of not being able to swallow. They didn’t react and I thought this was strange at the time, but thinking about it afterwards it must be such a common reaction that they must be used to it. How awful is that for them! After the procedure you are put in a recovery ward with other patients who have undergone the same procedure, until you regain sensation. The lady next to me who had gone down 20 minutes before me, suddenly had a major stroke and was very quickly transferred to a stroke specialist hospital nearby. I very anxiously waited 20 minutes because I just presumed I was going to have a stroke too as by then nothing would have surprised me. If someone had announced that they were going to have to remove one of my legs, I would probably have just said, ok, which one?
I was taken back to the ward to await the results and it wasn’t long before it was confirmed that I had Sarcoidosis in the lymph nodes in both lungs, and unfortunately, it was found that I also had pneumonia. I was to be treated for the pneumonia first and then start on an intravenous dose of steroids which is a treatment for Sarcoidosis. While being treated for pneumonia, I caught a secondary infection making me really nauseous, during which I threw up everywhere and wet myself at the same time. Just to top it off, it was my favourite White Company slippers that I weed all over. There is truly no dignity when you are ill. I think they had had enough of me by then weeing, puking and crying, and I was moved into an isolation room. Either that, or they knew what was coming next!
This is where the fun really started. When I was well enough to start the Steroids, I was told in a very matter of fact way that they were either going to make me, and I quote, “feel strangely elated or experience serious paranoia” – ooh goody this was new! I had never been paranoid and I was looking forward to it. But nope. Man! I just couldn’t catch a break – I got strangely elated! This must be what it’s like to be on some serious party drugs – and I don’t think dabbling in 4 small hash brownies in a lifetime makes me Courtney Love, so I really was a complete novice. First on the list of exciting things that I was elated about, was my daughter Olivia visiting. You might remember my earlier declared love for an en-suite, well this was love on another level, I was obsessed about the beauty of my new loo. I wanted to show my room off to Olivia, which basically had just a bed and tv and hadn’t been re-decorated for at least 30 years, but to me it was like Buckingham Palace. I skipped around the room telling Olivia how utterly wonderful it was and hopping in and out of the en-suite – light on, light off, light on, light off, eulogising about how marvellous it was. Then came the hysterical laughter, which Olivia joined in with for several minutes before daring to ask what we were laughing about! I had no idea but who cared! I felt fabulous! Olivia tolerated it for as long as humanly possible and then left me for the night, still wandering in and out of my en-suite marvelling at its beauty. When the Dr and nurses visited later on, I thanked them profusely for my room and told them I felt MARVELLOUS. They look relieved I was in isolation and stressed again to me that I mustn’t leave the room under any circumstances! I then had the brainwave of writing about my experiences, which EVERYONE would want to read because it would be BRILLIANT. I typed like a lunatic into Notes on my iphone because obviously sleep was for utter losers! At 4am, I woke the entire family by messaging on our family whatsapp with my masterpiece (I checked this recently to see what I had actually sent – it was the sum total of just 7 sentences, one of which was the title), but to me at that time it was the length of an award-winning novel and I needed immediate congratulations and an in-depth discussion about its brilliancy! Our youngest daughter Chloe, called me at 6am on her way to work after reading my very long stream of messages “just checking you are ok? You sound a little excited?” “Yes Chlo, I couldn’t be better, thank you darling!” And I really meant it! This was true elation and I was having a blast!