It’s been a while since I’ve stayed in hospital for a period of time, and since the last time I have enjoyed 11 years of having an en-suite at home. I have never flat shared, back packed or yearned to sleep in a hostel with lots of other people. I am not proud of this fact, but what can I say – I like my own space! I was, therefore, delighted when I was admitted, to be given my own side room – WITH MY OWN EN-SUITE!
This all changed though on day 10, without warning, when I was taken to another local hospital in Basildon for yet another test – a cardiac MRI. I am claustrophobic and one of my biggest fears for years has been of having to have this test if I ever got ill.
When it came to my turn in the tunnel, there was no time for making a big fuss and explaining my claustrophobia in minute detail. Or any detail. “Lie here”. “Here is a Panic button – use it in an emergency”! (Err – this WAS an emergency!) “Please don’t move and it will be over in 45 minutes”. Shit. It was as horrendous as I had imagined. You had to keep holding your breath until you thought you were going to pass out! Half way through a chemical IV is put in which deliberately puts the heart under stress to see how it reacts – not well it seems! When it was over, I felt I should have won an award for bravery, or at the very least a lollipop. The nurse said well done and asked how I was. I started to say that it was the most horrific thing I have ever had done, but they interrupted to remind me that I was very lucky to be bumped up the long waiting list as lots of other people had to wait for months. Enough said. Time to man up!
Feeling tearful and traumatised, I was returned to the ward and my day got a whole lot worse. I had been moved out of my side room sanctuary and was now on a ward!!!! OMG now I was going to have to make conversation with the two other ladies and be pleasant! And worse….share a bathroom!!!!!
Gloria, in her 60’s, was a natural born rebel and insisted on just wearing a short t-shirt and knickers and even when ‘encouraged’ by a nurse to wear something on her bottom half – she refused point blank and that was that! She also didn’t want to brush her completely wild, sticking up hair. The other patient didn’t say much, but was very sweet and smiled a lot. She was in her 70’s and was quite obviously very ill. She called me over one day to say, “I keep dreaming that I just get up and go for a run”. Since we were all tethered like dogs with our 24/7 heart monitors and could only shuffle around our beds, this broke my heart a little bit.
There is absolutely no time to be bored in hospital. Apart from the daily routine of hospital life, we also had a large window which the nurse called us to if something interesting was happening in the car park below. Me, Gloria in her knickers and the nurse witnessed a very nasty fight in the car park one day – a van rammed, a baseball bat, an unsuccessful run to escape, blood, security guards, police and arrest. There was a lot of debate as to what was going on – of course we all had different theories and annoyingly we never heard the truth on the hospital grapevine! What we did all agree on was that most men are, of course, complete twats. Our heart monitor alarms all went off watching the fight due to the stress, although Gloria insisted that she had seen it all before and it didn’t bother her one bit.
Yeah alright Gloria love – your heart monitor says otherwise. But Gloria was hardcore and was not going to admit it – apparently her monitor was faulty!!
Another window excursion and this time there were alpacas in the car park. Of course there were! Very sadly a lady on a different ward was nearing the end of her life and her last request was to see an alpaca. Someone had kindly arranged for her to be brought out to see them in the car park. The nurse was furious with the husband – “typical bloke – he just pushed her bed out and ruined the experience by crying the whole time – ruined it he did”. Men seemed to come out badly again in our ‘Window to the Car Park’. How dare he cry that his wife was dying and ruin the moment!
In this very weird world I was now living in, there were several times when I thought I was completely losing touch with reality, but hey it does us good to come out of our comfort zones – and en suites!